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I watched Ben as he quickly made a dough, that he said would normally rest in the fridge for a couple of hours, then as he turned that dough into several round disks which he coveredwith seasoned tomato sauce, mozzarella cheese, salami and olives. The doorbell rang as Ben put the pizzas in the oven and I walked to the door to let Jerry in, just then realizing that he didn’t have a key to let himself in with, one more ‘how do we go on from here’ thing we needed to discuss. Jerry gave me a quick hug and a kiss on my forehead before he took my hand and walked me back into the kitchen. We talked and laughed our way through dinner, keeping the subjects as light and entertaining as the food was heavy and filling. As we cleaned up after dinner, I slipped in my resolve to keep to the mood light and told them I’d be going back to work in two days’ time. The brothers were not happy about my decision and started making plans to match their work schedule against mine, so that I would always. ”“It’s not that.”“What, then?”“Well, I never got to wear nice things like that.”“Never?”“Hardly ever, and even then it was always something modest and practical.”“A-ha. Are you jealous of her?”“Pavea?”“Mmmm.”“No, not really.”“Are you OK?”“No.”“Oh?”“I just want to be with you, Joe,” she says.“That’s nice,” I reply smiling.“It’s just that ... Well, it’s so hard to separate myself from it all. I should be able to turn my back on them, push them out of my mind. But, I always feel I am tearing myself away from them. And the ‘tearing’ is so painful. There is still part of me, inside, which does not want to make the break.”There’s a heavy lump of anxiety and disappointment in my stomach as she says this. There is a lot I could say. There are questions I should ask. I don’t, though. I think it best to keep my mouth shut. I do not trust myself to get this sort of conversation right. Instead, I try a different sort of communication: I take her hand and squeeze it. I must have done the right.
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